Dux Computer Digest
HOW TO BREAK A KEYBOARD
Last updated: 6/18/00
your are hellbent on breaking your computer you might as well turn
to a real expert and learn how to do the job right. I am
that expert, no doubt. I have been breaking computers for many
years and have made a meager living of fixing other people's computers,
which have died of injuries inflected by their owners.
Let's start by learning how to break
keyboards and how to destroy a motherboard with a keyboard. I
should probably have saved this to last because it requires some experience
and a degree sophistication. It requires no imagination...
1. Whack the keys as hard as you
can. We all know that the easiest way to bold text is to push
the keys harder and that the harder one punches the Enter key, the
faster the cursor will move to the next line.
2. Remove the key caps with a
pair of vice grips, or whatever is handy, instead of a key cap puller. This
will certainly break it off from the switch.
3. Dump an assortment of office
garbage on top of the keyboard. If you are really good at it,
you can drop a paperclip from a foot above the keyboard and it will
fall into the cracks between the keys. Staples do a real nice
job of breaking membrane keyboards.
4. Let the kids play with it. We
can all learn much from children.
5. If you have an old AT keyboard
and a desktop case, and you are looking for a way to convince your
spouse that now is a good time to buy that Athlon, Socket A, ATX motherboard,
etc. and get a new keyboard to boot, unplug the printer cable, etc.
so they won't protect it, and push the computer as hard as you can
against the wall. This could break the plug on the end of the
keyboard and destroy the motherboard at the same time--a real gorilla
tactic, indeed. On some computers the same sort of sabotage can
be accomplished by lifting the front of the case with a sharp (like
a forward Heimlich maneuver) and listen for your reward in the form
of a snapping sound.
6. Squirt some 3-in-1 oil on that
7. Take it apart and "fix
it." Remove every screw you can find. Tip it up-side-down. Ask
the wife (husband) to help you put it back together again so she will
be convinced it is a goner.
8. Drop the keyboard while
the computer is on. Yes, sit on the highest chair you can find
with the thing in your lap and reach for that ringing telephone on
the table. On this cue, the keyboard will immediately follow
its built-in program, develop a teflon back, and will definitely slip
off your lap... at ballistic speed, break itself as it hits the Spanish
tile floor (or your foot), break the plug on the end of the cable,
and break the keyboard socket on the back of the motherboard, as you
(and the phone) fall to the floor while grasping for it. If this
doesn't break the keyboard and/or computer (and phone), cheer up; perfection
takes practice. This trick also works well with laptop computers. That's
why repair shops call them laptops and manufactures call them notebooks.
9. Drat, it survived the fall! Sometimes
you really have to work at it... Set the keyboard back on the
table, get one of those long-stemmed, cut-crystal glasses, and fill
it with wine--we must set the proper mood... If you don't
drink inebriating beverages, grab a glass of coke or a cup of coffee;
either will do almost as well. The correct place for that glass
of wine (or coke, etc.) is between the keyboard and the mouse. Move
the mouse. Congratulations! The keyboard is now getting
drunk instead of you. Leave the keyboard connected, the computer
on, and quickly tip the keyboard up-side-down to salvage the wine. Good! The
table is now red and you have that good wine all over yourself. The
computer is making funny noises and the screen is being filled with
gibberish. Excellent signs... Now, turn the keyboard
right-side-up (instead of up-side-down) spray it with Windex or other
cleaning agent, suitable for the destruction of electronic components--undistilled
water will do (run the still backwards). That way the detergent
won't flow-out as fast and we may succeed in drowning the keyboard. Oh,
wonderful! We now have smoke!
If you have any comments or corrections
which would make this article better, forget it.