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Last updated: 6/18/00

If your are hellbent on breaking your computer you might as well turn to a real expert and learn how to do the job right.  I am that expert, no doubt.  I have been breaking computers for many years and have made a meager living of fixing other people's computers, which have died of injuries inflected by their owners.

Let's start by learning how to break keyboards and how to destroy a motherboard with a keyboard.  I should probably have saved this to last because it requires some experience and a degree sophistication.  It requires no imagination...

1.  Whack the keys as hard as you can.  We all know that the easiest way to bold text is to push the keys harder and that the harder one punches the Enter key, the faster the cursor will move to the next line.

2.  Remove the key caps with a pair of vice grips, or whatever is handy, instead of a key cap puller.  This will certainly break it off from the switch.

3.  Dump an assortment of office garbage on top of the keyboard.  If you are really good at it, you can drop a paperclip from a foot above the keyboard and it will fall into the cracks between the keys.  Staples do a real nice job of breaking membrane keyboards.

4.  Let the kids play with it.  We can all learn much from children.

5.  If you have an old AT keyboard and a desktop case, and you are looking for a way to convince your spouse that now is a good time to buy that Athlon, Socket A, ATX motherboard, etc. and get a new keyboard to boot, unplug the printer cable, etc. so they won't protect it, and push the computer as hard as you can against the wall.  This could break the plug on the end of the keyboard and destroy the motherboard at the same time--a real gorilla tactic, indeed.  On some computers the same sort of sabotage can be accomplished by lifting the front of the case with a sharp (like a forward Heimlich maneuver) and listen for your reward in the form of a snapping sound.

6.  Squirt some 3-in-1 oil on that sticky key.

7.  Take it apart and "fix it."  Remove every screw you can find.  Tip it up-side-down.  Ask the wife (husband) to help you put it back together again so she will be convinced it is a goner.

8.  Drop the keyboard  while the computer is on.  Yes, sit on the highest chair you can find with the thing in your lap and reach for that ringing telephone on the table.  On this cue, the keyboard will immediately follow its built-in program, develop a teflon back, and will definitely slip off your lap... at ballistic speed, break itself as it hits the Spanish tile floor (or your foot), break the plug on the end of the cable, and break the keyboard socket on the back of the motherboard, as you (and the phone) fall to the floor while grasping for it.  If this doesn't break the keyboard and/or computer (and phone), cheer up; perfection takes practice.  This trick also works well with laptop computers.  That's why repair shops call them laptops and manufactures call them notebooks.

9.  Drat, it survived the fall!  Sometimes you really have to work at it...  Set the keyboard back on the table, get one of those long-stemmed, cut-crystal glasses, and fill it with wine--we must set the proper mood...   If you don't drink inebriating beverages, grab a glass of coke or a cup of coffee; either will do almost as well.  The correct place for that glass of wine (or coke, etc.) is between the keyboard and the mouse.  Move the mouse.  Congratulations!  The keyboard is now getting drunk instead of you.  Leave the keyboard connected, the computer on, and quickly tip the keyboard up-side-down to salvage the wine.  Good!  The table is now red and you have that good wine all over yourself.  The computer is making funny noises and the screen is being filled with gibberish.  Excellent signs...  Now,  turn the keyboard right-side-up (instead of up-side-down) spray it with Windex or other cleaning agent, suitable for the destruction of electronic components--undistilled water will do (run the still backwards).  That way the detergent won't flow-out as fast and we may succeed in drowning the keyboard.  Oh, wonderful!  We now have smoke!


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